I have sat here for days trying to write this blog and I have only been able to come to one conclusion...I have no words.

When I decided to move back to the States from England and lead a team I had so many dreams and expectations for the year. It never crossed my mind that my world would be completely flipped upside down and I would be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

On September 26th I found out that my dad has cancer. Being in the ministry for a few years now I have been used to the word cancer. I have seen many prayer requests about family members having cancer. I have cried with people that have lost loved ones and I have celebrated with those who have gotten good reports. I thought that I had it all figured out. I knew the right words to say and I knew how to pray for healing. The moment that the word "cancer" intertwined itself into my immediate family I fell silent. I was not sure what to say anymore. This is one thing that you never expect to happen.

After we found out I jumped in the car and drove down to be with my family for the weekend. This was probably one of the quietest drives ever. Normally I have good music playing with plenty of good road trip snacks. This trip was different however. My head spun with what ifs and what nows but nothing came out.

I think that is why it is so hard to write this blog. I am not writing it so you can all know what is going on and you can feel sorry for my family. I know how strong my dad is. I know that he is going to kick cancer's butt and move on with life. I think I needed to write this blog so that I could finally share some feelings. So much has been kept inside for so long that I feel like I could burst.

I am mad! I am mad that in 2014 we have still not found a cure for this stupid disease. I am mad that the only thing to treat it is chemicals that rid the body of everything: good or bad. I am mad that my dad has to put his life on hold for 6-8 weeks 5 hours a day in order to beat this thing. I am mad that I might cause him to get sick. I am mad that my mom has to do this with me being 4 hours away. I am mad that my little sister has to grow up quicker than she should. I am mad!!!

But no matter how mad I get I have to remember that God is in control. I was reminded of the verse found in Jeremiah 31:25 "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Even though I have these feelings I know that God is going to see me through this. I know that I can talk to him when I am lonely or when I am overwhelmed with everything that is happening.

This holiday season will be so different for my family. We are not going to be buying the latest gadget or toy. We are not going to be getting all the black friday deals or even focusing on stuff at all. This year we are going to be a family. We are going to surround each other with love and just enjoy the holiday season for the real reason that it was made: to remember Christ and to remember the love we have for our family.

Having a parent with cancer and trying to lead a team of missionaries in schools is not the easiest task. It is hard to keep your mind on the goal and help your team achieve everything God wants to do this year. It is also hard to be so close to home yet so far away. I am learning so much during this time. I am learning to tell people how they can pray for my family. I am learning to talk about how I am feeling with those around me. I am learning to take it one day at a time and look for the rays of sunshine instead of focusing on the dark clouds all the time.

This year is not turning out like I would have planned but I am determined to make it better than I expected. Life has certainly thrown it's share of lemons at my family and I will be sitting here just twisting them into lemonade.