Ecclesiastes 3 is a passage about time. There is a time for everything. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot. For everything there is a time. After studying this scripture I realized that this is mainly a list of things that everyone will go through. This is a list of life. I used to focus on only this list and try to figure out where I was on the list. And then I continued reading and found verse 11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

That's what I'm waiting for. Waiting for Him to turn this beautiful. In November I decided to go to the doctor. Something was not right. I had been having a burning pain in my arms and legs. Pins and needles in my feet and extreme fatigue. I was not feeling like my usual self. Since I did not have health insurance I had waited and waited to see a doctor. But then I found Mission Arlington Free Clinic.

When I first went to the clinic they were not sure why I was feeling the way I was. They scheduled me for an appointment with the neurologist. Just saying the word neurologist caused fear to overcome me. But I remembered Ecclesiastes 3:11. Everything was going to be ok. God would make this beautiful in His time.

After my first appointment with the neurologist words like Rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and MS were thrown around. Blood tests were ordered and an MRI was scheduled. Again that fear started to overcome me after walking out of the office. I noticed that the more I stressed about my symptoms the worse they became and the worse my symptoms got the more stressed out I would become. But then Ecclesiastes 3:11 would come back into my mind and calm the fear.

Results from the tests have since then come back negative. They are still not ruling out MS quite yet but I realize now that it is standard procedure. They simply have no answer yet for why I am feeling like this. Living my life with chronic pain is starting to become my new normal which is something I fought for a while. My world is slowly starting to become doctor's appointments, vitamins, pain meds that don't work and much more but the one thing that is so different for me is people.

It is so hard for someone to understand what I am feeling. I look fine on the outside so to many people I should be fine. What they don't know is that I am screaming on the inside. People don't understand how hard it is to make plans for the future. They don't understand how hard it is to make plans for the next day. I could be fine and do something one day but the next day I might find it difficult to even walk. People don't understand that I am angry. Angry that I am in pain. Angry that they don't know why. Angry that I am so tired and then just angry at being angry. Who knew that a chronic illness would change me and cause me to lose myself so quickly.

One Sunday I decided to try a Sunday school class that was just for people with chronic illness. I left that group feeling everything but encouraged. I felt like I was staring down a dark tunnel into my future. Everyone went around talking about their problems most of which started with chronic pain and ended with anxiety and depression. This was not ok with me. Ecclesiastes 3:11 came back into my mind and I knew that this is not what God had in store for me.

Everyday I have to combat the temptation to drown myself in self pity. I have to make the daily decision to get out of bed and tackle the day all while smiling through the pain. I know that one day my God is going to heal me. I believe that he will make everything beautiful in His time not mine.

I know that a few of you have been brought in on this journey with me and now I am praying that you all will come with me. I am in need of your prayers always. Please pray for complete healing and wisdom for the doctors. Please pray for my strength. Pray that I can continue to have a positive attitude and fight this. Please also pray for financial provision. Doctors appointments, tests and medications are all going to start adding up quickly. Please also pray for understanding on my part and on the part of others. Pray that people can have patience with me when I am having a hard time.

I really appreciate all of the support that I have gotten. I am so blessed to have so many amazing people around me during this time.